


Excerpts From an Unholy Union

by Griever1337



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Arson, Calliope and Caliborn are still a cherub, Combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell, F/F, Humor, M/M, Really Really Just Kinda Stupid, Slice of Life AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 08:49:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337
Summary: Calliope works as the inexplicable sole employee of a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. Despite their best efforts to satisfy any customer that comes their way, work can be very tiring, and with sleep comes a very, very shitty brother. Shenanigans take center stage inside this hellish duo of restaurants, piloted by an asynchronous pair.
Relationships: Caliborn/Dirk Strider, Calliope/Roxy Lalonde, Pizza Hut/Taco Bell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Excerpts From an Unholy Union

**Author's Note:**

> All the main characters are 26 for the purposes of this completely thoughtless AU. There's going to be a short chapter 2, also.

CALLIOPE: hello! welcome to taco bell, and also pizza hUt!   
CALLIOPE: woUld yoU mind if i took yoUr order this fine day?  
JUNE: (it's kinda raining right now, isn't it? i don't think it's that fine a day.)  
DAVE: (frankly its one of the less egregious failings of a minimum wage job to expect employees to put on a happy face every day but it still sucks ass)  
JADE: (not that i disagree but is this really the time)  
CALLIOPE: i'm sorry, can yoU speak Up?  
CALLIOPE: if yoU’re looking for someone to pity, then we don’t have that on the menU.  
DAVE: (oh fuck)  
ROSE: (I can't believe you just got owned through intercom.)  
DAVE: (stfu)  
CALLIOPE: please stop preaching to me and let me take yoUr order! before i fall asleep again...  
DAVE: okay so  
DAVE: id like two number nines  
DAVE: a number nine large  
DAVE: a number six with extra dip-  
JUNE: dave none of us wanted a fucking number nine. much less three???  
JUNE: what even is a number nine here? there's no numbers on the menu!  
DAVE: damnit june youre ruining the joke  
CALIBORN: WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING NUMBERS AT ME.  
CALIBORN: ALSO. WHY AM I HERE.  
JADE: sorry about the botched order! we have a very silly friend who thought it would be funny to make a “meme order”  
CALIBORN: I DON'T THINK ANY OF YOU KNOW. WHO YOU'RE FUCKING WITH.  
CALIBORN: YOU DON'T GET TO ORDER. I AM THE ONE WHO ORDERS. ORDER YOU TO DO THINGS FOR ME!  
ROSE: My, my. You’re certainly shaking the natural order of the workings of fast food customer service.  
ROSE: I’ll call your bluff. I don’t think you’ve ever thought about what you would do if you ever got this far.   
CALIBORN: YOU ARE CORRECT! AS A MATTER OF FACT. I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT IN MY LIFE.  
DAVE: wow okay  
JUNE: what do you want, chump ass?  
CALIBORN: MY FIRST ORDER. IS LET ME NAP.  
ROSE: …  
JUNE: …  
DAVE: …  
JADE: ...  
ROSE: I told you guys Sonic was a better idea. All the employees here are so bored by their jobs that they can’t help but fall asleep.  
ROSE: At least there, you don’t get people falling asleep while they’re rolling around on their little roller skates.  
JADE: rose we all know that the real reason you want to go to sonic is that goth vampire lady that waited on you that one time!  
CALIBORN: ZZZZZZZZZZ  
ROSE: Oh please. That was a long time ago.  
ROSE: Kanaya and I have been dating for months.  
JUNE: oh, seriously??? congrats, i guess!  
CALLIOPE: aah…  
ROSE: My suggestion was actually for the sake of all of you. There’s not a single person in this car who wouldn’t succumb to the seductive allure of a cute waitress in roller skates.  
ROSE: A contract as binding as time itself, yet as wistfully ethereal as a passing daydream. That is what you’ll find at Sonic. You don’t get that shit at Taco Bell or whatever.  
JUNE: we’re talking about the corn dog place right?  
JUNE: corn dogs fucking suck.  
DAVE: damn leave it to rose to make getting a shitty burger sound like summoning a demon   
CALLIOPE: hUh? what’s going...  
CALLIOPE: oh my god i am so sorry! did i fall asleep, and did someone else come and take your order???  
DAVE: oh right he said hed order us or something but then he just said hed fall asleep  
DAVE: real fuckin bizarre even for usual dave strider fast food shenanigans  
JUNE: as far as pranks go it was kinda lame?  
DAVE: what the grand theft auto meme order or the weird guy on the speakers  
JUNE: both, dave. we all know that you haven’t played grand theft auto a single time in your life.  
CALLIOPE: oh god, i’m so sorry.  
CALLIOPE: that was my brother - he shoUldn’t have ever come oUt here dUring the daytime bUt i gUess work made me really sleepy…  
CALLIOPE: he wasn’t too rUde to yoU was he? wait, what am i saying, of coUrse he was.  
JADE: how DO you fall asleep in a job like this?  
JADE: i feel like youd probably have some kind of manager or coworker to help you stay awake or at least keep your brother away from the microphone  
ROSE: Maybe they sent the manager to the hospital after one too many snide remarks. It’s what Kanaya did.  
CALLIOPE: i mean, i’m the only employee here, actUally.  
JADE: wait the ONLY one?  
CALLIOPE: i got hired a little while ago withoUt mUch in the way of an application process. apparently these restaUrants are spread oUt really thin these days in terms of employment.  
CALLIOPE: yoU’re actUally my first cUstomers, bUt i’ve been keeping myself busy by cleaning the place Up and pre-making most of the things on the menU.  
ROSE: That certainly does explain why this place seems significantly less haunted and decrepit than it did a month ago.   
DAVE: okay but do you have a number six with extra dip  
JUNE: how long have you been working here anyways?  
CALLIOPE: three days!  
JUNE: three days and we’re your first customers? yeesh, that kinda sucks.  
CALLIOPE: it’s been a little lonely for sUre, yes.  
CALLIOPE: my brother hasn’t exactly been good company, either. not that he’s really company, since he only comes oUt when i sleep after all.  
JADE: that sounds awful :(  
JADE: its really starting to sound like we should come on over here more often doesnt it dave?  
JADE: maybe even let other people know that this spot is in business  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: fuck it why not what does everyone else think  
JUNE: i’ve got nothing better to do, and this person seems nice, so…  
ROSE: It’s not every day you find a Cherub working as the sole employee of two fast food restaurants. I’m down.  
DAVE: a what  
CALLIOPE: wait, how did yoU know i was a-  
ROSE: I like to think of myself as fairly up to date on the vast array of previously-thought mythological creatures on Earth. And Cherubs in particular are rather interesting, I find.  
ROSE: You still haven’t predominated, I take it?  
CALLIOPE: well…  
CALLIOPE: let’s just say we’re both pretty stUbborn, my brother and i.  
ROSE: Fascinating.  
JUNE: rose, you don’t have to treat them like a test subject, you know.   
JUNE: what’s your name, anyways?  
CALLIOPE: oh, it’s calliope!   
JUNE: it’s great to meet you, calliope. sorry that we basically spent this whole time talking your ear off instead of ordering our food!  
CALLIOPE: oh yes, i probably should be taking your order now, shouldn’t i?  
CALLIOPE: well then, my new friends…  
CALLIOPE: what can i get you to eat?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: we could start with two number nines

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple days later...  


  
DIRK: You guys think this place Dave told us about is actually any good?  
DIRK: I don’t exactly have high expectations for either of these two restaurants.  
ROXY: dirk chill ur ass   
ROXY: dont be lyin 2 us we know your diet is basically insta noodles and mtn dew at this point  
ROXY: this is an improvement healthways! which is stupid btw  
DIRK: Well.  
DIRK: They do have better Mountain Dew.  
JANE: Honestly, if you’re going to continue eating that which rots your teeth, you could at least have some of my homemade confectioneries.  
JANE: Surely that would be preferable to your decision to delve into the effects of “gamer diet”, as you call it.  
JAKE: Oh im sure he will stop once the taste of his strange choice of pop starts doing a little jig on his taste buds and makes him unable to taste things.   
DIRK: The jig is pretty miniscule right now. I’m sure I’ll hate it by the end of the month.  
JANE: Whatever. What do you want to eat-  
CALIBORN: HEY THERE YOU FAT UGLY BITCHES. GO CLOSER TO THE FUCKING MENU SO I CAN YELL AT YOU.  
JANE: I’m…  
JANE: What the fuck did you just call me!?  
DIRK: Okay, I already don’t regret this, this is amazing.  
CALIBORN: I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IF YOU ARE HERE TO ORDER FOOD. THEN I SHOULD GREET YOU PROPERLY. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS!  
CALIBORN: AND IN GENERAL. I LIKE TO FOLLOW THE **RULES**. UNLESS IT RESTRICTS WHAT I CAN DO. IN A WAY THAT I DISLIKE.  
JANE: I don’t like your tone, mister.  
JANE: But I’m going to go ahead and pull up so we can get over with this-  
CALIBORN: WELCOME!!!  
JANE: SHIT!  
JANE: Do you HAVE to yell so FUCKING LOUD???  
CALIBORN: WELCOME TO BIG BITCH FAST FOOD WHERE THE ONLY EMPLOYEE IS A BIG FAT STUPID BITCH WHO I'D LIKE BETTER IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.  
DIRK: Wow. And I thought I hated myself.  
CALIBORN: YOU DON'T GET IT. I HATE MY SISTER. WHO IS THE ONLY WORKING PERSON HERE, TO MY KNOWLEDGE. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS DRIVEN AWAY BY HER STINK.  
DIRK: So what you're saying is you're unemployed.  
CALIBORN: I HAVE ACHIEVED SUPREME UNEMPLOYMENT, YES.  
DIRK: Are you doing anything on Saturday? Of course you're not, you don't have a job.  
DIRK: I think we should hang out and shoot the shit at my house, where I can show you my twenty page dissertation on Vegeta's unique brand of musculature.  
CALIBORN: NOBODY COOL EATS VEGETABLES, ASSHOLE.  
DIRK: Ohhhh man. You are just a fascinating little man, aren’t you?  
JAKE: Dirk we dont know how tall he is and given your height-  
DIRK: Shush.  
JANE: Dirk, I didn't bring you here to FLIRT with a minimum wage failure, much less an unemployed, unprofessional...whatever the hell this guy is!   
JANE: Just tell me your goddamn order already!  
JAKE: Oh, dirk probably just wants some fries of the french variety its really not all that big a kerfuffle we are dealing with here.  
CALIBORN: NOBODY GETS TO HAVE FOOD. THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO HERE. THAT'S WHAT UNINTELLIGENT SHITHEAD SISTERS DO.  
JANE: That's not how you run a fucking business!!!  
DIRK: Tomorrow, three in the afternoon. I'll be here, with my sword out.  
JAKE: He may be making an innuendo but i assure you he simply has more anime weapons than you could possibly imagine.  
CALIBORN: HMM.  
CALIBORN: I’LL SEE WHERE I’M AT. IN TERMS OF LOCATION.  
CALIBORN: BUT UNTIL THEN. I’M GOING TO FUCKING BED. AND BY BED. I MEAN I’M LAYING FACE DOWN ON THIS COUNTERTOP.  
JAKE: Good lord dirk his sleeping habits are almost as good as yours!  
DIRK: I feel like you guys have really stepped up your dunks in the past few days. I’m really proud of you.  
CALLIOPE: oh god did my brother talk to yoU while i was asleep?  
CALLIOPE: i'm so sorry, he sUcks so bad. i'll take yoUr order right away!  
DIRK: Give me your brother.  
JANE: Tell your brother to get a job like a functioning member of society!  
ROXY: omg yall are actin so fuckin rude  
ROXY: sry my friends r all terminally out of their minds  
ROXY: what was ur name again  
CALLIOPE: oh it's calliope!  
ROXY: aight listen callie ima slip you a twenty dollar tip and my number after jane orders the food  
CALLIOPE: that's very kind of yoU!  
CALLIOPE: ...wait what nUmber

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CALIBORN: I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND THE SOLUTION. TO OUR LABOR TROUBLES.  
JUNE: oh boy.  
CALIBORN: YOU SEE. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO WORK TWO RESTAURANTS. AS MY DUMB MORON SISTER HAS TO DO.  
CALIBORN: AND I WOULD ENJOY THE STRESS IT CAUSES. EXCEPT THAT I DO NOT GET TO SEE IT. AND ALSO I HAVE TO STAND HERE BEING REALLY BORED.  
CALIBORN: SO I FIGURED IT OUT. WE CAN DIVIDE THE WORK UP. BETWEEN THE ONE PERSON. THAT IS THE TWO OF US.  
CALIBORN: AND THIS FOOD HOUSE IS VERY SPECIAL! IN THAT IT ALLOWS US TO DO THIS VERY EASILY.  
CALIBORN: ALL I HAVE TO DO. IS THE MAKING OF THE “TACO BELLS”. WHILE MY SISTER. HANDLES THE “PEE, IT’S A HAT.”  
JUNE: never pronounce that that way ever again, please.   
JUNE: god, and people tell ME that i pronounce things weirdly!  
CALIBORN: YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!! IT’S THE PERFECT SCHEME!!!  
JUNE: okay, but like...  
JUNE: first of all, you don’t know how to cook or use anything here.   
JUNE: second of all, how would you switch around with callie in the first place? and if you have a way to do that, can you do that right now, because i’d like it if i didn’t have to see you.  
CALIBORN: WELL-  
JUNE: third, even if you COULD switch with callie at will, which you CAN’T by the way...  
JUNE: what if someone orders food from both pizza hut and taco bell? would you be able to switch around a bunch in that short a time?  
JUNE: it kinda sounds like you haven’t put any thought into this. which like, i guess that’s what i should’ve expected, since you’re obviously a thoughtless prick?  
CALIBORN: LISTEN.  
CALIBORN: ANY GOOD FOOD INDUSTRY SCHEME. INVOLVES MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF HIGH LEVEL IMPROVISATION. WHICH I AM A MASTER AT.  
CALIBORN: I WILL BECOME THE LORD OF THIS TWO X RESTAURANT COMBOB. AND YOU WILL GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR FUCKING MONEY.  
JUNE: uh huh. have fun with that, weirdo!  
CALIBORN: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST BORROW SOME OF MY SISTER’S STACKS OF CASH. AND USE IT ON SLEEPING PILLS. IN ORDER TO PUT US TO SLEEP WHENEVER WE WANT.  
JUNE: do sleeping pills even exist?  
JUNE: also, fuck you, don’t steal their stuff!  
CALIBORN: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TURDGUZZLER!  
JUNE: actually...wait.  
JUNE: how DOES calliope make money from this job anyways?  
CALIBORN: HRRK  
JUNE: i mean...they’re the only one working here. and they don’t have any boss or anything…  
JUNE: so-  
CALLIOPE: woah! hello there june, er…  
CALLIOPE: how did i wake Up all of a sUdden?  
JUNE: not a clue. how do you make money in this job?  
CALLIOPE: i get a check in the mail every week from the next closest manager, or so i’ve been told!  
CALLIOPE: it’s somewhat meager bUt i get by on it.  
JUNE: huh. it feels like some weird bureaucratic steps have been skipped entirely there, but whatever.  
JUNE: …  
JUNE: have you ever seen a movie called little monsters?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIRK: Excuse me.  
DIRK: Upon careful inspection, it looks like the pepperoni pizza you just sold me is, in fact, mozzarella cheese, ketchup, and pepperonis plastered onto 4 layers of tortillas.  
DIRK: Did you use the Taco Bell materials to make this by mistake?  
CALIBORN: THE WHAT.  
DIRK: Also, the Sprite is all watery. Did you even prototype this shit?  
CALIBORN: IF YOU FIND YOURSELF UNSATISFIED. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND EAT MY ASS.  
DIRK: Don't mind if I do.  
ROXY: omfg dirk did u learn how to flirt from jane or somethin   
ROXY: or was the next step in ur little guidebook, "courtship for dumbasses", literally to ask 2 speak w the manager

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAVE: rose told me that cherubs turn into huge serpents sometimes  
DAVE: is it true that when that happens the sky turns dark and you shoot up into the air like youre being summoned by the fucking dragon balls  
DAVE: do you grant wishes and if so is it one or three   
DAVE: and when it all happens are you like big scaly winged dragons or are you more like huge dopey looking snakes with forked tongues  
CALLIOPE: yoU know, we’re actUally both still virgins so i have no clUe!  
DAVE: what in dick is that supposed to even mean

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JADE: hey caliborn!  
CALIBORN: PLEASE DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE ANY JOY IN YOUR LIFE UPON SEEING ME. IT IS SICKENING AND GROSS.  
JADE: oh come on  
JADE: at least listen to what i have to say before you go and delve into your usual weird misogyny routine or start trying to boss us around again  
JADE: me and a friend were thinking of burning down a competing fast food restaurant in the area  
JADE: and since youre the one here who probably knows the most about arson i thought maybe we should ask you to come along!  
CALIBORN: OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.  
CALIBORN: LISTEN. ANY TIME I GET TO BURN DOWN A BUILDING. I WILL DO IT WITHOUT ANY HESITATION.  
CALIBORN: THAT IS ONE OF LIKE. THREE THINGS THAT I WOULD BE OKAY DOING. EVEN WITH THE BITCHES. ANOTHER WOULD BE DRAWING. AND SHOWING YOU MY COMPLETE MASTERY OF ALL FORMS OF ART. AND LAUGHING AT YOUR INFERIOR FACES.  
CALIBORN: SPEAKING OF BITCHES. WHY DO YOU HAVE STRANGE FLUFFY BEAST EARS IN A PLACE NOBODY ELSE DOES.  
JADE: oh dont think about that too hard  
JADE: but yeah that sounds awesome!   
JADE: anyways id also like to talk to callie too so if you could take one of those sleeping pills real quick  
CALIBORN: YOU KNOW. I ACTUALLY DON’T REALLY FEEL LIKE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.  
CALIBORN: I’M VERY BUSY. DOING NOTHING AT ALL. AND WASTING LOADS OF YOUR TIME.  
JADE: sheesh  
JADE: they really werent kidding about you loving to be an inconvenience  
JADE: come on take the pills  
CALIBORN: I’M ACTUALLY MUCH MORE SURE THAT I WON’T NOW!   
JADE: why the FUCK not  
CALIBORN: BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THEM!  
JADE: take the fucking pills or i will punch your lights out! i want to talk to callie!  
CALIBORN: NO.  
JADE: yes!  
CALIBORN: NO!  
JADE: thats fucking it im coming over the counter  
CALIBORN: OH. SO YOU’RE APPROACHING ME?  
CALIBORN: DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME IN A FIGHT?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CALLIOPE: aaaUghhh…  
CALLIOPE: i’m awake, i’m awake…  
CALLIOPE: oh, hello jade.  
JADE: good to see you callie  
JADE: finally geez  
CALLIOPE: why are we behind the coUnter, with yoU pinning me down to the ground like this?  
JADE: oh right uh  
JADE: sorry if this looks gay to the customers hahaha  
JADE: im kidding the only other person here is roxy  
CALLIOPE: oh hi roxy!!!  
ROXY: heyo!!!  
ROXY: (they do b lookin a little gay from my pov view tho)  
CALLIOPE: bUt yeah jade, er, i don’t think that answered my qUestion.  
CALLIOPE: why is there taco meat everywhere? why are there ripped portions of youUr dress and why is yoUr hair so much more messy than UsUal?  
JADE: well i kinda got in a fight on the way here  
CALLIOPE: oh geez  
JADE: oh dont worry about me you shouldve seen the other guy!  
CALLIOPE: oh my god is yoUr hand bleeding?  
JADE: no thats not my blood actually  
JADE: anyways i wanted to ask a question  
JADE: do you want to come along with me and roxy to set a chik-fil-a on fire  
CALLIOPE: ...yoU know, any other place and i woUld’ve said no.  
ROXY: fuck yeah!!!   
CALLIOPE: i’ll just need some of my brother’s gasoline…

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIRK: So how did it feel to set ablaze a den of chicken and misplaced Christian values?  
CALIBORN: IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL. I SLEPT THROUGH THE VAST MAJORITY OF IT.  
CALIBORN: APPARENTLY MY SISTER FELL ASLEEP ON THE SHOULDER OF YOUR STUPID MORON BIMBO FRIEND. WHILE THEY WATCHED THE FIRE BURN FROM A SAFE AND UNTRACKABLE DISTANCE.  
DIRK: Wait, what the hell was Jake doing there?  
CALIBORN: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE REGULAR STUPID MORON BIMBO. YOU ARE THINKING OF THE UNINTELLIGENT BUT RESPECTABLE MANBRO DUDE BIMBO.  
DIRK: You could remember their names, you know.  
CALIBORN: APPARENTLY THAT NIGHT WAS “ROMANTIC”. IT WAS DISGUSTING.  
DIRK: That sucks, I guess.  
CALIBORN: THE DOUBLE BITCH LADY HARLEY ALSO MADE ME LOSE A LOT OF BLOOD.  
CALIBORN: AT LEAST I GOT TO FIND OUT THAT I TASTE GOOD ON QUESADILLAS.  
DIRK: Hot damn, you are a fucking mess.  
DIRK: I like that about you. Wanna see if we can hunt and/or fight a bear? I’ll let you eat it whole if we find one.  
CALIBORN: STOP TRYING TO USE GAY TERMINOLOGIES WITH ME. I DON’T KNOW OR CARE WHAT A BEAR IS. NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW THE “DOUBLE” ““ENTENDRE”” THAT EATING THEM INVOLVES.  
DIRK: I am literally talking about animals, calm your ass down.  
DIRK: Nevermind, just come to my apartment later and tell me whether it’s weird or not that I think that Rainbow Dash is still a cartoon icon.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAKE: So, er, have you seen any good movies lately?  
CALLIOPE: i honestly dont see very many movies especially with this job taking so mUch out of me…  
CALLIOPE: i sUppose i prefer to imagine scenarios and alternate Universes for certain pieces of media! it feels like that’s a lot more fun way to Use my time with the movies that i have watched!  
CALLIOPE: bUt even with that in mind, i like the prodUcts of my imagination more often than i do any actUal films most of the time…  
CALLIOPE: television and cartoons might be a different story, i gUess!  
JAKE: Thats all actually quite an interesting way to look at it all!  
JAKE: Admittedly i have found myself having pretty similar thoughts about certain films especially that avatar film by james cameron hoo boy.  
CALLIOPE: ah, i dont think i ever saw that one…

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAKE: Oh hello there caliborn my good awful arson chap!   
JAKE: How does it go as you burn the midnight oil? Got any favorite films?  
CALIBORN: EVERY DAY I LIVE IN HORROR OF MY SISTER WHOSE FAVORITE FILM IS SNAKES ON A PLANE.  
CALIBORN: IT’S SO LEWD. SO ILLICIT. SO...SERPENTINE.  
CALIBORN: AND YET. SHE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF IT. SHE SITS THERE AND TAKES IN EVERY LAST DETAIL. AN UNENDING CASCADE OF SNAKES OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER.  
CALIBORN: IT’S THE ONLY THING I ACTUALLY FEAR OF MY OTHERWISE COMPLETELY INFERIOR AND FAT AND UGLY AND AWFUL COUNTERPART.  
JAKE: Gotta love the big man sam jackson in it though.   
JAKE: Callie has some good taste i think!  
CALIBORN: FUCK YOU.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JANE: There sure are a lot of trolls in separate cars standing outside this combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.  
CALIBORN: I SEE ABOUT SIX. THAT’S NOT THAT MANY.  
JANE: What are they doing…?  
CALIBORN: THEY’VE BEEN OUT THERE FOR AN HOUR ALREADY.  
JANE: That purple one looks like a deranged giant, and that pinkish one in the wetsuit is surprisingly familiar…  
JANE: Is the blue lady with the pirate outfit getting in a shouting match with them?  
CALIBORN: THIS IS SURPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING.  
JANE: Aren’t there laws that say that you can kick them off your property for loitering?  
CALIBORN: THEY AREN’T LEAVING ANY TRASH ANYWHERE.  
JANE: You’re thinking of littering, you utter buffoon.  
JANE: Honestly! These are a bunch of hooligans that you should be dealing with, so why don’t you do that?  
CALIBORN: ACTUALLY.   
CALIBORN: I HAVE AN IDEA.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CALLIOPE: good morning! it’s good to see you!  
CONDESCE: sup  
CALLIOPE: …  
CONDESCE: …  
CALLIOPE: er  
CALLIOPE: who are you?  
CONDESCE: after that stunt you pulled  
CONDESCE: id say im your new coworker  
CALLIOPE: ah.  
CALLIOPE: …  
CONDESCE: …  
CONDESCE: i’ll do the pizza hut shit and you can-  
CALLIOPE: okay, fUck it. give it to me straight. what the fUck did my brother do this time.  
CONDESCE: set my "friends" cars on fire lmao  
CONDESCE: it was hilarious so i decided fuck it ill work for that guy for two days  
CALLIOPE: i'm...what!?!?  


  



End file.
